Finding Myself
by KrisbianHeart
Summary: After witnessing the murder of her sister, Elizabeth, by a red eyed monster, Bella suffers a breakdown. After agreeing to go to hospital, Bella's questions are answered in a way she never expects. Can she overcome the nightmares and find herself again. possible lemons later
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I do not own Twilight**

** Leaving Renée**

**BPOV**

I was only fourteen when I had my breakdown. I had been having terrifying, mind numbing nightmares for as long as I could remember. I just couldn't find my way out of the black depression that threatened to destroy me. Every night I woke up screaming. Every day it was like I wasn't even there. I would go about my life as normal as possible, but I didn't even feel human anymore. I felt like an empty shell. It wasn't long until I had started to self-harm as a release. I knew that i shouldn't, that in the long run hurting myself wasn't going to help me. All I knew was that for those few minutes of pain, I was in control of something. It was like me being sliced and burned was my way of punishing myself for not doing more to save my sister, for not protecting her or my mother from that monster who tore our lives apart. However no matter how much I believed that I was in control of my self-harming, in reality I had no idea what I was doing or how to stop.  
Eventually my mother, Renée, had to have me institutionalized. I know it killed her to watch her youngest daughter fall apart, I didn't want to hurt her. I hated that I was hurting her. My mother had struggled with what happened too. Before that monster came into our lives my mother was always full of life, a little eccentric at times, but always happy. That day when everything fell apart, my mother changed too. Since that day, my mother has refused to touch her piano, she stopped singing around the house. I missed hearing her beautiful soft laughter.  
It wasnt until the day my dad Charlie arrived in Phoenix that I realised just how much Renée had been struggling to cope with my depression. I came home from school one day to hear them arguing in the kitchen. They hadn't heard me enter the house so I just stood in the hallway listening to them.

"_I can't do it Charlie! I can't send her away when she needs me the most!"_

_"You're not sending her a way Renée! She needs help, professional help!"_

_"Then send her to counselling. Just don't make me do this to her, please Charlie, I can't just lock my baby up, she's all I have left. There has to be another way, please."_

_"I'm sorry Renée, but if we don't do this we won't have a daughter left to save."_

It didn't take me long to realise that they were talking about sending me away somewhere. I knew Renée had seen the cuts on my arms and legs, that she had seen the blood on my bed sheets and on my clothes, but I never thought she would make me leave. I had also not seen the effect my pain was having on my mother. As I entered the kitchen, ready to fight them, to swear that I wouldn't go, I looked at my mother and really saw her. I saw the dark bags under her eyes, how pale her skin looked, how limp her hair, how much weight she had lost in the last few months. I was shocked. How had I not seen the pain I had been putting my mother through? I needed my mother and loved my mother with all my heart and yet I had been blind to her pain. I ran into my mothers arms.

_"I want to go Mum, I need to."_

_"Oh Bella darling, no you don't have to go. We'll find another way to help you."_

_"Renée.."_

_"No, Charlie! I will not send her away."_

_"Mum, please. I need to go. I can't keep doing this, I can't keep hurting you. Please, let me go."_

_"Oh Bella..."_

That day, I packed a small bag and left with Charlie. I hated saying goodbye to my mother but I knew this was for the best. On the way to Forks, Charlie told me that I would be staying with him for one night before going to st. Augustine hospital in the morning. The hospital was only a few miles from Forks, and Charlie knew a doctor who was willing to have me refered for treatment.  
It was late when we arrived at Forks so I went straight to bed. I knew Charlie was worried about me, but I didn't have the energy to stay awake. We said our good nights and I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

** Nightmares**

_**dreaming**_

_I looked around the room and immediately recognised my bedroom in Phoenix. It didn't take me long to realise that I was having a nightmare again. I had this nightmare countless times before. It never changed._

_"NO! ELIZABETH!"_

_I ran from my room. I knew what i would find when I reached my sister's room, but I still ran. My mothers scream, which had haunted my dreams since the first time I heard it, was ringing in my ears. Before reaching the door of my sisters bedroom, I see my mother being flung out the bedroom door, colliding with the wall with a sickening crunch. I'm too numb to scream. I run to Renee's side, she's unconscious but breathing. I turn towards my sister's room. Standing over Elizabeth's lifeless body, I see the most remarkable and terrifying man with blood-red eyes, porcelain white skin and perfect long golden hair. I know I should be screaming, but I was frozen to the spot. I could see the blood on his grinning lips as he stared at me. He launches towards me and everything goes black._

_**end dream**_

I was screaming again. When I finally started to calm Charlie was sitting on my bed holding me.

_"Shh Bella, Its OK now, you're OK. You're safe"_

I'm trembling and sobbing. My bed-clothes are stuck to me with sweat. No matter how many times I have that nightmare, I always wake up terrified.  
Charlie rocked me and held me close until I was calm again. When he was sure I was calm, he made me a cup of sweet tea and sat with me until morning. We didn't talk much but just knowing he was there helped me feel safer.


	2. Chapter 2

** The Hospital**

**BPOV**

After breakfast, I showered, dressed and got ready to go to the hospital. It didn't take long as I hadn't unpacked anything. When I was sure I had everything, I found Charlie waiting at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me. After putting my bag in the boot of the cruiser, he walked over to me and hugged me. The hug alone was unusual, Charlie was never comfortable with expressing his feelings, it was where I got it from. However, that one hug was enough to almost break me.

_"I'm sorry dad"_

_"You've nothing to be sorry for Bells."_

The journey to St. Augustine hospital didn't take long. The building didn't look like a hospital, it looked more like a huge house. It looked more welcoming than intimidating but that didn't stop me from feeling nervous. I knew that while I was here, I was going to be forced to face my nightmares. Before I could dwell on my fears any longer, Charlie was opening my door and helping me out of the cruiser. He led the way to the bright reception room, where a kind looking older woman was waiting.

_"How may I help you Chief Swan?"_

_"Hello, this is bel.. er.. Isabella Swan. I think Dr. Cullen is expecting us."_

_"Ah yes, Chief Swan. Dr. Cullen will be with you in just a moment. You may take a seat in the waiting area, if you wish."_

Sitting in the waiting area, I couldn't get my nerves to calm. I didn't know what to expect of Dr. Cullen, or of this hospital. I hoped I had made the right decision in agreeing to come here.  
After only a few minutes, I looked just as the door by the reception opened. I found myself staring, as in walked a tall, graceful man with white blonde hair, porcelain white skin and unusual topaz eyes. At first glance, my heart skipped a beat. The sight oh his porcelain white skin brought the memories of the red-eyed monster to the surface, but on seeing his kind topaz eyes, I immediately began to calm again.

_"Ah Dr. Cullen, thank you for this. This is Bella."_

_"I'm happy to help Chief Swan. Hello Bella, how are you feeling today?"_

It took me a moment to realize that the doctor had spoken to me. His appearance and voice had both been a shock.

_"I.. erm.. I'm okay, just a bit tired."_

_"Well, hopefully we can get you settled in okay. Now, your father needs to just sign some forms, so while he is doing that, I would like to have a quick chat with you Bella, if that's okay with you?"_

_"erm.. yes okay"_

I followed Dr. Cullen down the long corridor to his office. The room that held his office was bigger than I expected. There was a large dark mahogany desk in front of huge window. Bookshelves full of what appeared to be hundreds of books, lined one wall, while beautiful paintings of all sizes lined another. I sat on one of the large, comfortable, leather chairs in front of Dr. Cullen's desk and Dr. Cullen sat on the one beside me.

_"Let me just start by saying that I will not make you talk about anything you are not comfortable with Bella. Our sessions will go at you pace."_

_"Thank you Dr. Cullen"_

_"Please, Call me Carlisle"_

I felt very comfortable to talk to Dr. Cullen, Carlisle. He wasn't treating my I expected, like a crazy person. Before I knew it I was telling him everything. About my self-harming, about how I was feeling, about my nightmares. When I described the red-eyed monster who killed my sister, I expected him to react like the doctors and police had, but he didn't tell me I was exaggerating or look at me like I was losing it. Instead he asked more questions.

_"After he seen you standing there, Bella, what happened?"_

_"He launched at me. That's all I remember though. After that everything goes black."_

_"Really? Fascinating..."_

I don't know what he found so fascinating, but I didn't ask either. It was just then that Carlisle realized how long we had talked. We went back to Charlie and Carlisle then showed us to my living quarters for the next while. I said goodbye to Charlie and went to settle in.

** Fascinating**

**CPOV**

As soon as Bella described her red-eyed monster I knew who he was. Only one man was sadistic enough to kill a human in front of her family. I'm not surprised that this poor girl is as traumatized by this event as she is. In fact, I'm surprised she's worse. This monster thrives off fear.

Edward will need to know she is here. He must be told about this.


	3. Chapter 3

** EDWARD **

**EPOV**

I alway's enjoy hunting with Alice more. Maybe it's because she's my sister, not like Rosalie is my sister, Alice is my biological sister. Carlisle turned me when Alice was only twelve years old. Our parents had died from Spanish Influenza, an illness I was also suffering from and I wasn't going to survive either. Alice, miraculously, had stayed healthy, but was to be sent to an orphanage. After I was turned, I kept watch over Alice, visiting her whenever possible. I know I shouldn't have, and Carlisle begged me not to, but I would speak to her often. Alice knew I was a vampire. Surprisingly she didn't fear me, in fact she was just happy that I was alive, if that is what I am. I will never forget the day James came for her.

**APOV**

Running through the forest was always a rush for me, especially with Edward. Me, hunting deer while Edward, hunting mountain lion, we always seemed to relax more when we hunted together.  
I could smell them, four deer grazing just a mile from here, I would be there in a matter of seconds, however...

_**VISION**_

_" I ran to my mothers side. I was so happy to see she was alive. It wasn't until I turned to Elizabeth's room that I realized just how much danger we were in. His eyes, I'll never forget them, they were as red as rubies."_

_"They were red?"_

_"Yes, I know it sounds crazy. The police said that I was imagining, that I was just in shock, but I know what I saw . His eyes were red."_

_"I believe you Bella. Please, continue."_

_**END VISION**_

_"NO!"_

**EPOV**

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Alice's vision. I knew Carlisle had being acting different lately, and now I know why. Bella was in Forks and she could remember James.

_"She doesnt remember you Edward."_

_"Good."_

_"But Edward..."_

_"No, Alice! She must never remember me."_

_"But Edward.."_

Before Alice could finish, my cell phone rang.

_"Carlisle, you should have told me that she was here"_

_"I know, I needed to speak with her first though, and I knew you would worry. I will be home soon, we can speak more then."_

_Replacing my cell phone into my pocket, I turned to Alice._

_"Let hunt and get home"_

_"But Edward.."_

_"I know Alice she will remember me, but not if I have anything to do with it"_

_"You can't stop this Edward"_

I took off running before Alice could try to change my mind. I meant what I said, I would do everything I could to make sure Bella doesnt remember me.

**SETTLING IN**

**BPOV**

Arriving at the hospital yesterday turned out to be easier than I had expected. My doctor, Dr. Cullen, or Carlisle as he had asked me to call him, was a nice man. He didnt make me feel like I was crazy. He listened to me. I didn't have an appointment to see him again until tomorrow, so I could use today to settle in properly.

Waking up this morning, I was surprised to realise that I didn't have a nightmare last night. I know I didn't have nightmares every night, but I was expecting one last night. Carlisles porcelain skin had shocked me so much when I had arrived yesterday. i'm happy I had a terror free night, but I couldn't help but feel puzzled about not having one last-night.

I went to the communal bathroom for a shower, dressed in yoga pants and a hoodie before heading for breakfast in the cafateria. The cafateria was bright, with roughly twenty other girls scattered around, sitting in either small groups or alone. I got some eggs and went to sit alone at one of the tables near the windows. Looking around the room, I suddenly had a feeling that I wouldn't be here for long.


	4. Chapter 4

**ALICE**

**EPOV**

Speaking with Carlisle last night had been frustrating. I had practically begged him to have Bella transferred to another hospital, one far from Forks. He insisted that it was safer for Bella to stay at St. Augustine hospital. I knew he was right. I knew that if Bella went to another hospital with her story of the red-eyed monster, that they would either have her sectioned, or they would fill her up with so much medication that she wouldn't be Bella anymore. I couldn't let that happen to my Bella. However, even with knowing that Bella was safer in Carlisle's care, I couldn't help but worry about her remembering more about James.

James was a sadistic monster with zero conscience. I will never forget the day he came after Alice. When I stopped him from killing her by killing his mate, Victoria, James swore that he would get his revenge on me. I have no doubt in my mind, that if he hadn't been out-numbered by my family, James would have killed me right that moment. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper had all become very close to Alice over the last few years. They looked at her as a sister, as a daughter, she was part of the family. They insisted on coming with me to protect her from James and Victoria.

If it hadn't been for my beautiful, pixie like, seventeen year old little sister screaming in agony, I would have never let James get away. I would have tore limb form limb and burned the pieces as I had done to his mate.

I knew it was too late for Alice. The venom had already reached her heart. If I hadn't been so worried about her, I would have noticed that Jaspers thoughts, like my own, were screaming for her survival. I had no idea that he was already in-love with her.

It felt like a lifetime had passed before Alice's heart finally stopped and the change was complete. When my beautiful sister finally opened her vampire eyes for the first time, I had expected to see fear in them but seen nothing but peace. I must admit, I was slightly offended when Alice ran into Jaspers arms first, but I knew from their thoughts that my sister was safe. Anyone could see the love they already felt for eachother. They were made for eachother. After a few minutes had passed, I noticed Alice's eyes glaze over and when I read her mind, I also seen her vision. "Bella"

That one word was enough. I had seen my Bella and I loved her already. Unfortunately, I had also seen James try to kill her and her family.

SAVING BELLA

EPOV

I had been watching over Bella ever since I had seen Alice's vision. Watching her with her sister Elizabeth and mother Renee was fascinating. They were such a close-knit family, so loving.

The night I caught James's scent I ready for him. Unfortunately it wasn't until I heard Bellas mothers scream that I realised that he had slipped past me. Alice had warned me that this would happen. I thought that I had covered everything, every possible entry to the house was covered by my family. How had he gotten passed us?

When I reached the room that Alice had seen him kill Elizabeth in, I realized that I had been too late to save her. James was just about to launch at my Bella. I pushed her out of the way, knocking her unconscious in the progress. I turned to face James only to see that he had escaped again. Unfortunately being faster than anyone else in my family had its flaws. Carlisle checked on Bella and her mother before calling the police and leaving an anonymous tip. We needed to leave before the authorities arrived. Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had already begun to hunt James. The man was a master of escape so I had little doubts that they would find him. That was the last time I saw my Bella.


	5. Chapter 5

**GOING HOME**

**_One Year Later_**

**CPOV**

Looking out over the grounds of the hospital at Bella, it is clear to see the huge improvement that she has made. Looking at her now, you would have no idea that she had had a relapse just four months after arriving here. Her nightmares had become persistent and more terrifying. It didn't help that she had been having trouble with another patient in the hospital. Thankfully that girl left shortly after Bella's incident and the nightmare also began to subside.

Just as I was about to walk away from the window, I caught a familiar scent.

_"Edward?"_

Of course he heard me, but it wasn't until he ran towards my office at vampire speed that I realised where he was or what he had been doing.

_"How long have you been watching Bella, son?"_

_"Only since her incident. I couldn't bear the thought of her hurting. I needed to watch over her."_

_"I know you're worried Edward, but what if she had seen you?"_

_"You know I'm always careful to stay out of sight."_

_"Hmm, I still think it was risky of you."_

Turning away from Edward, my mind was elsewhere, of course I was worried about what would have happened if Bella had seen Edward, but I was more worried about how he would take the news of her leaving the hospital to live with her father in Forks.

_"What? You're going to allow her to leave here? She's still having nightmares Carlisle."_

It's not often that I forget my sons ability to read minds, but my mind has been so preoccupied worrying about Bella's recovery, I wasn't as careful with my thought as a usually am.

_"She needs to Edward. Bella has been here a year now, the hospital board have said that, if she is to remain in St. Augustines, we must start her on medication."_

_"No! Please, Carlisle, don't do that to her. If they start medicating her, she won't be Bella anymore."_

_"Well then she must leave Edward, live with her father and become an outpatient. There are no other choices."_

_"There must be another way."_

_"I'm sorry son, I wish there was. We can talk about this more at home if you wish, but you but go now. I have an appointment with Bella in a moment to tell her the news."_

Watching my son leave my office, my heart went out to him. I know he truly loved Bella, and I wish more than anything that I could make things easier for him. Over the last year, I have wished many times that Bella would remember him, and at the same time hoped that she never would. Unfortunately, I knew that one day Bella would remember everything. Alice had had a vision, and I would never bet against my daughter.

**BPOV**

The walk to Carlisle's office was so familiar now. For some reason I always feel more relaxed when I'm walking to his office. Although he would never admit it, I know that he's the reason I wasn't sectioned after I cut myself again. I wish I hadn't given in to the depression, but I just felt like I was being sucked into a black hole. Carlisle really helped me after that. He organized more sessions with him and he allowed me access to the beautiful landscaped grounds surrounding the hospital. Everyday, if the weather was good, I would sit in the grass and read, and if the weather was bad I would sit in the huge library.

I wasn't scheduled to meet Carlisle today; this was a last minute appointment that the nurse told me about this morning. I was curious. Carlisle never did this, he never made a last minute appointment before, this must be about something important.

As I reached Carlisle's office door, I could see a handsome boy pacing not far down the corridor. His copper hair, porcelain white skin and kind looking topaz eyes seem so familiar, I couldn't look away. When he looked up and seen me staring at him, the look of shock and fear on his face startled me. He took off in the opposite direction, before I could say anything.

Knocking on Carlisle's door, I waited for her to invite me in before entering.

_"You can come in Bella."_

Entering the room, I sat at the same seat as usual and got comfortable.

_"Hello Bella, How are we today?"_

_"Good, thanks Carlisle. I started reading WutheringHeights again."_

_"Really? Again? I thought you would have been tired of that book by now."_

_"No way"_

Carlisle was always good at helping me feel comfortable at our sessions. I knew this wasn't a normal session though.

_"So, Bella, as you probably have already figured out, I have something very important to talk to you about today. I've recently had a meeting with the Hospital board about your treatment here."_

_"Um.. Okay.."_

_"They have decided that it's time that you get back out in the real world."_

_"I.. I can go home? Are you serious? This is.. great. I can't wait to see my mom again."_

_"Bella please slow down. Unfortunately, you cant go back to living with Renee. As you know she recently moved to Jacksonville, ant that's just too far from the hospital. We need to keep you on as an out-patient Bella, so you will have to live with your father in Forks."_

_"Oh… how does Charlie feel about it, and Renee? Doesn't she want me home?"_

_"Chief Swan is very much looking forward to having you live with him, and of course your mother wants you home, but they both understand that it's better for your recovery that you stay near the hospital"_

"_I guess I can understand that. When can I leave?"_

_"Later today. Charlie will be here to collect you at three o' clock this afternoon. I'll be in contact about your next appointment at the end of the week."_

_"Thank you Carlisle, for everything."_

_"Its been my pleasure to help you Bella. Stay safe."_

Leaving Carlisle's office, I was both scared at happy ant the same time. I was happy that I was leaving but, so scared at the same time. Living with Charlie would be different, we're very alike so it should be easy enough to settle in but, it's been about seven years since I last lived with Charlie. At least, I'll get to spend my seventeenth birthday at home. My fifteenth, which was about six months before I came here, was a nightmare, I had been so depressed that I barely even remember the day, and my sixteenth was spent in here. I know my seventeenth isn't for another six months, but I'm looking forward to having it with my family.

It didn't take me long to pack, I didn't bring much stuff with me. At three o' clock on the dot Charlie was outside waiting for me.

_"I missed you Bells. Lets get you home."_

_"Thanks Dad."_

Settling into the front seat of the cruiser, I was really happy to be leaving the hospital, but I couldn't get that bronze haired boy out of my mind. I'm sure I know him from somewhere.


End file.
